Self Diagnosis

I believe I'm autistic, albeit mildly. While I am good at math, i found that it has come at the price of my social ability. And it is not something I am proud of or want to be because famous scientists have shown signs of autism, rather I find this social defenciecy very restrictive, how I wish this talent didn't come with such a malicious curse. And I'm quite concerned about it, especially since I'm about to embark a phase of life on a fresh social sheet, i.e. I'm beginning this new phase of life, without knowing anybody, giving me the opportunity to build relationships afresh. I'm hoping that I don't screw it up this time...

One problem I find myself facing is that I do not have the natural ability to react spontaneously to situations. This results in my actions conveying messages contrary to what I feel at crucial moments when I'm put in a situation, thus getting myself into things I am not prepared for.

I find that I am deficient at handling uncertainty, it manifests when I'm playing sports, through my inability to catch balls well; when I'm playing computer games, I take ages to process information and react to the situation, I'd need to prepare my actions prior to an encounter with an opponent, and whenever I face a difficulty, I'll react with one of my preconceived plans, that's why the comments that my playing resembles that of a AI computer player. I also find myself deficient in expressing my thoughts spontaneously, thus I find that I easily allow people to impose their will over mine. I lack the ability which a dog uses when it leaps into the air to catch a Frisbee - the ability to respond intuitively, yet incredibly accurately.

On the flip side, when I'm among people who are very nice, I begin to worry that I might be doing things that are not pleasant, but the other party is being too nice to express it. To this end, I realize that the friends I am most comfortable with are those whom I've known for a long time, and who have gotten involved in a quarrel with, and gotten over it. I have a cousin whom I had lots of animosity with when we were younger, but now we are best of friends. The reason I feel at ease is because I know that when he is unhappy with something, he will voice it out, and I am confident that if nothing is said, all is well... Unfortunately, because I am not able to deliver such frank responses when I am in an environment where people are artificially nice, as I would be 'programmed' to respond pleasantly, it breeds an environment where people are too nice, and causing me to worry (perhaps unduly) about whether my actions are acceptable.

I am especially worried about as I'll soon find myself in the extremely pleasent, cultured environment of the University.

On another note, I've only recently begun to be aware of the social dynamics that occur around me, I'm not sure if this late insight was can be attributed to my upbringing, or because of my autistic predisposition. Perhaps it's both. Growing up, I never really considered the social aspect of things, I've always thought that things were definitely right or wrong, I took opinions lightly as long as the 'right' thing is done. It was until I entered NS that I discovered opinions do matter, especially true if the opinion was that of your superior's, because he defines right and wrong.

I've since extended this insight to encompass everyone. I realized that economics is all about one person's effort translating into meeting another person's desires, and in turn being rewarded for it. So if the person on the receiving end does not think that something is good, he does not buy the product, and thus affects the definition of whether the product is popular or not. Of course, there may be some instance of a quantifiable measurement, like the results of a tuition kid, or the effectiveness of a drug, but many other attributes like enjoyment is hard to measure precisely.

After gaining the insight that opinions do matter, I realized that every exchange should strive to satisfy both parties, and it should not be imbalances to the point where one party feels taken advantaged of, or the other party feels bad that he is receiving too much. I've learnt this principle after volunteering in some organizations and giving tuition. Especially in the particular situation where I volunteered to help my cousin and was paid by my uncle, it seems that they are able to make this delicate balance very well.

In the past, I saw such exchanges in terms of what I am giving vs what I'm getting. In situations where I intend to get, the smaller the ratio, the better; many times leaving the other party at the unfair end of the deal. I recall bargaining with a person selling peanuts in China, misguidedly encouraged by my parents, I feel very bad now as what I gained from the bargain was literally peanuts to me, but a significant sum to the poor seller... And in situations I intended to give, I would try my best not to receive anything out of it, and I've found such situations draining and unsustainable. I've grown wiser.

I've also found that I learnt many such social principles from teaching in the classroom. In such an environment, the raw social interactions are exposed, it is not masked by any niceties as there is no time for the teacher to do that, and on the student's part, such a concept is quite foreign to them. The teacher often conveys exactly the behavior he expects, and the children responds accordingly if they accept it or not. This provides an excellent social litmus paper to test the action I make. And each time I enter a classroom, I have another chance at the experiment, thus refining my social skills.

Ok, I'll end here abruptly, blogging about this because I felt that I mishandled some interactions recently, and worried that I'll make the same mistake in future. And a major interaction session with my future uni mates would be happening tomorrow at the fresher's tea, hopefully I'll handle it well.